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Written by Lee Pitts   

What Time Is It?

I can usually tell what a person’s occupation is with one simple question: “What time is it?” This is how people in the following jobs answer that question:

Lawyer: Under some alleged circumstances the clock may be presumed to indicate a time period between three and five o’clock. That will be $5,000 please.

Consultant: If you give me your watch I will be happy to tell you what time it is.

CEO of Fortune 500 Company: I’m sorry but my lawyers, and the glare from all diamonds and precious jewels on the watch that my board members gave me for driving them into bankruptcy, makes it so that I am unable to tell you what time it is.

Clerk In A Big Box Store: That’s not my department. And I wish you luck finding anyone in this store who can help you.

Dairyman: It’s time to milk the cows, what time did you think it was? It’s always time to milk the cows. Now get out of my way. (Someone needs a vacation.)

Tax Accountant: What time do you want it to be?

Preacher: It’s time for you to repent and give up your sinful ways.

Large Animal Veterinarian: It’s an hour and a half past the time I was supposed to be at my next appointment.

Farmer: It’s about time my wife returns from town with that part I sent her for.

Farmer’s Wife: It’s about time that fat slob of a husband of mine drives 60 miles into town to get his own darn part. And he can stay there for all I care.

Doctor: Before I can answer that question we will have to run several expensive tests, like what kind of insurance do you have. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, my Rolex says I’m already late for my tee time at the country club.

Computer Geek: Let’s see now, if the hour hand is x and the minute hand is y, it must be x squared minus the square root of y.

Cable Company Representative: It’s time to raise your rates again in such a sneaky manner that we hope you don’t notice.

Government Bureaucrat: We cannot answer that question unless you put your request in triplicate and send it along with $50 to some big office building in Washington DC where it will be lost. Otherwise you should expect an answer within six to eight weeks, in which case it will be a different time than it is now. We’re glad we could be of personal assistance. This is a recording.

New Soldier: Let’s see, 2 o’clock plus twelve equals, uh, fourteen hundred hours, sir.

Customer Service Representative: Please punch #4 for the time in the eastern time zone, #6 for mountain and #8 for the time in the Pacific time zone, or stay on the line and a representative will be with you in just 20 minutes. (Ha, ha. That’s a laugh. It’ll be more like an hour but you don’t know what time it is so what do we care?)

Cardiologist: It’s two hours past your appointment time, but don’t get your blood pressure up. You shouldn’t have to wait but another hour. Or two.

Politician: It’s the same time it always is... time to raise your taxes and my salary and lower our standards.

Retired Person: Let’s see, it’s twenty minutes until my nap, six hours before cocktail time and eight hours before I nod off to sleep from sheer boredom.

Cowboy: I have no idea, and furthermore, I don’t really care.