The Rectangular States of America
Despite hating mathematics in general, there was one math class I liked: geometry. I think this is because I have always liked shapely forms, if you get my drift!
Couple this love of geometry with the fact that I have visited every state in the nation, and you can see how I developed a hypothesis that has come to be known in scientific circles as Lee’s Law of Rectangles. Simply “stated” it says, “The more rectangular a state is the better that state is to live in.”
My theory has pretty much replaced Plato’s Principle of O’s, which judges the worthiness of a state by the number of O’s there are in its name. Residents of New Jersey and Texas may have noticed that they come up short in both their shape and spelling, but before Texans fly off the handle, please hear me out.
In my Shape of the Union Address, I explained that people who live in nearly rectangle states live longer, enjoy life more, have fewer body piercings, less freeway congestion, far fewer high speed police pursuits on the freeway, less random gunfire in their neighborhoods and fewer residents with the last name of Kennedy.
Whereas people who live in states with shapes that look like flattened roadkill are far more likely to know what arugula is, are more apt to live in two bedroom shacks that sell for $2 million, have more big cities where rude people live and are far more likely to think that “getting back to nature” means a walk through Central Park followed by a mango smoothie.
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Holyoke Enterprise July 30, 2015