The theater of the mind
“He walked into the bar, looking like a man who’d spent an hour or two in a KitchenAid mixer with the dial set on fluff.”
These are the lines that make me love classic radio dramas. Delivered by some hard-boiled investigator, these overwrought comparisons are the most endearing staples of radio noir.
On long road trips, when we’ve worn out our usual playlists and music stations, we tune in to SiriusXM Channel 148, RadioClassics.
There, we encounter gripping crime stories, shocking sci-fi thrillers, and the comedy stylings of folks like Jack Benny, Phil Harris and Bob Hope.
We hear quaint expressions from the past: “Jeepers!” and “Good night, nurse!” In Western dramas, people “skedaddle” and face “gol-durned” tough times. Every show has a snappy tagline, like the one for “Gunsmoke,” when Matt Dillon says, “I’m the first man they look for and the last they want to meet.” You’re not wrong, Mr. Dillon. You’re not wrong.
The writing is direct, and characters announce their intentions: “I have to get this package delivered, and fast,” they say. Or maybe, “I tell you, I can’t pay!” Or “You’ll never get away with it!”
One of my personal favorites is the famous, “Go on, give ’em the works!” I’m not sure what “the works” is, but I don’t want anybody giving it to me, especially a crime boss from the 1940s.
And of course, campy comparisons abound. Some gems from a recent road trip: “She looked at me like a fat lady looks at a pastry,” or “Her mouth dropped down to her shoelaces when I showed her the pictures.” And who could forget this one? “He went down like a diver with the bends.”
Of all the classics on Channel 148, I enjoy “Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar” the most. It’s about a freelance insurance investigator, and it airs with the tagline “The transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed expense account.” The stories unfold by referencing Johnny’s expenses as he tracks down one nefarious insurance scammer after another.
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