A losing proposition: Diet plans range from torturous to dangerous

People have been going on diets long before Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Oprah Winfrey. The first diet was probably William the Conqueror’s all-alcohol diet. Once morbidly obese, William lost so much weight he was able to start riding his much-loved horse again. Then he promptly died in a horse riding accident. Proving that everything old is new again, in the 1960s a couple of authors revisited the alcohol diet and wrote two books called “The Drinking Man’s Diet” and “Martinis and Whipped Cream.” My old man was on the same alcohol diet the entire time I knew him, and he eventually lost 200 pounds of ugly fat all in one day!

People are so desperate to lose weight they torture themselves with colonic cleanings, enemas and gross green milkshakes. A friend of mine even hangs himself upside down every day to redistribute his weight, but now instead of having 46-inch hips, he has a 46-inch neck. Another friend tried the no-white-food diet to prove he wasn’t a racist. His goal on Jan. 1 was to lose 30 pounds in 2021. He only has 50 pounds to go.

Many doctors have gotten rich on diets they devised. In 1890 Dr. Edward Dewey came up with a no-breakfast diet about the same time that Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, a staff physician at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, was promoting vegetarianism, pure food, calorie counting, colonic cleanses and slow chewing. Dr. Kellogg was kinda weird, but he could afford to be because two products he invented, toasted flakes and granola, made him millions.

Another 19th century weirdo was a preacher whose nickname was Dr. Sawdust, and when I tell you his name you’ll know why: Reverend Sylvester Graham. He preached that gluttony was a sin that led to the raising of unhealthy children. The reverend advocated a diet of his graham crackers, vegetables and water. I don’t think you’d actually live longer, but it would darn sure feel like it.

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