Puns are so punny
Yes, “punny” is a real word. It is defined as something “consisting of puns,” of which this article is full. In May of 2014, I wrote an article about “weird English,” focusing on how badly some folks abuse our language and introducing the reader to things like paraprosdokians, lexophiles, oxymorons and puns. This time, I decided to just focus on puns—there are so many of them.
To give you an idea of how many puns I have acquired, I could have copied and pasted puns from each group I received, thereby having one huge pun file, but I chose to name the batches of puns with different names. Hence, my pun folder has the following seven files: “More on Puns,” “More PUNNY Puns,” “Punny Puns Revisited,” “More Great Puns,” “PUNOGRAPHY,” “More Punny Observations” and “Puns For Educational Minds.”
Over the years, friends who know that I love puns (and other English oddities) have sent me some doozies, so I thought I would share them with you. In my view, one has to have a keen mind and a sense of humor to see the ingenious ways a sentence can be written so as to have a twist in meaning—through spelling or a change in words. The classic comment about a pun is that it is “two-thirds pu,” which is not only true, it makes sense. Let’s look at some.
A college friend of mine commented: “Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.” I like it that other languages can be used for puns: “A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says: ‘Uno, dos ...’ Poof!! He disappeared without a tres.” Another friend of mine noted: “I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me. But I stand corrected.” And this one you can send to your pastor: “The Lord said to the Apostle John, “Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and got a toaster instead.” (I am pretty sure that is not in Scripture.)
“A dyslexic man walked into a bra.” This is clever, because of the dyslexia twist. How about this one: “An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.” Similar to this is “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” Both play on the unseen.
“Going to the dentist for a toothache happens when pain drives you to extraction.” Here is a good description of an adult: “a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.” And I love eggs, but never really thought about this before: “A chicken is the only animal you eat before it is born and after it is dead.” Ick. This is a good one: “I have two unwritten rules: 1. ______ and 2. ______.”
Religion is not exempt from some fun, like: “How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.” Clever. Another? “When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.” And my wife understands this all too well: “When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.” And I am sure some ladies would concur: “PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.”
I am sure cops can relate to this observation: “All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.” Poking fun at the police again: “A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.” Scientists would like this: “What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.” Of course—I should have known that.
Medieval mathematicians might chuckle at the following: “The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.” Animals are not exempt from puns: “A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.” Sports can be fun: “I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.” I like this one about our indigenous folks up north: “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
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